November 21, 2009 Saturday 2:27 AM

Dear Sennyo,

Yesterday evening/this early morning I had messages ruby about what she thought of me. Her being an adult. If she thought me a kid and such.
I want to remember this, even if I don't remember her at a later time, and yet I still remember about this account, so I shall directly quote it.

Hmm... honestly? I kinda see you as a child. Not really in the 13-year-old baby kinda way, but just... very young. Young and stubborn and relatively disconnected emotionally, thus an inability (or unwillingness) to empathize much with emotions around you. I feel like you are about 18 with a child's stubborn and fantastical mind. There's a mature side to you that is very observant, though it's very clear that you struggle with expressing yourself (meaning language seems to be a large barrier for you, as far as putting definition to your thoughts on whatever subject), so I can see in many of your posts that you kinda loose patience and end your posts rather abruptly, making you either sound deceivingly irritated or embarrassed.

There are times when your "youngness" seems very angsty and rebellious, and to the average person it might even seem irritating. But there is a charm to your bluntness and simplicity that makes it tolerable and not in the least annoying, at least from my eyes. To put it into perspective you very much remind me of Chihiro from Spirited Away, but a bit more mature. Sometimes your concern with being a bother to others is unexpected in contrast to your otherwise abrupt "cyber demeanor". Does that make sense?

I hope I actually answered your question. I'm loosing my train of thought as my mind wanders off on different tangents, so I better stop here. I'm pretty sure I said all that I wanted to say. **nodnod**

~xxxxx

I really do look up to her. I look up to her in the way that I look up to トノホ ノ. I can see now why it is he thought me irritating. Annoying. I feel like whenever I read Hippo's posts, on there or on facebook, he's so much older than me in maturity, even if he does act silly and say silly things, for he is still capably of making good responses to things, unlike me.
She said how

There are times when your "youngness" seems very angsty and rebellious, and to the average person it might even seem irritating. But there is a charm to your bluntness and simplicity that makes it tolerable and not in the least annoying, at least from my eyes.

, but I'm sure she was just trying to be kind by adding that second part in. Irritating? It's how トノホ ノ felt that we (being Hippo, totally, suicide child, and myself) were, more or less since he didn't say those words, instead calling us thread-harrassers.
She really is so smart though, ruby. And very perceptive too. Like her comment about my worry about burdening others contrasts hugely next to my 'cyber demeanor', I suppose meaning silliness. It makes sense. I myself wonder how it is that a human like me could be of so many things. And in a a negative way too. I am a hypocrite. A self-loather. I challenger of my own beliefs. Like how I say how I don't wish for love, since it always ends, and yet I yearn for _____.
Luna, from school, said in Maggie's facebook status (as we were getting very off topic), how she has decided to show as little emotion as possible due to bad family circumstances. I warned her about psychologists, but she said she wanted one after we and Maggie conversed this for another few comments.
To ruby's message though, in the first paragraph. How I am young, stubborn, and pretty disconnected emotionally and hence having an inability/willingness to emphathize with much emotion around me. And how I'm like an 18 year old with a child's stubbornness and fantastical (as in imaginative and unorganized?) mind. And how I struggle with words, wording, and expressing myself, and how I seem to lose patience and end my posts very abruptly. I wonder when it started, this disconnectedness.
I want to learn how not to be this way.
I want to learn how to be like an adult without losing hope and falling back into this abyss of immaturity and cowardity and shirking and idiocy.
I really do see now how annoying I must have been to them though. I deserved to be deprived of the second family's homebase. Not the others though. They shouldn't have suffered. I feel that I did learn something from that absence, but in the end I may just lose it all. I see no reason to not attempt to become you, but no reason to not stay here. I seek these answers but... I guess these goals aren't heart-felt enough for me to seriously start searching for the paths to find them.

E's cu cunno, Cahhou.

[End Log] 2:58 AM